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Rough Patch

Hi! Soooo heres a little background of whats going on… I’ve worked at the same place for about four years now, and I am in love with one of the guys I work with…but the problem is that he is currently engaged to the bosses daughter. A couple of months ago they broke up and we started talking. I was beyond excited because I never thought I would get the chance to be with him. I knew that he didn’t want a relationship so I played it off like I didn’t either and we would just kinda be “friends with benefits”. But I was still a virgin, we planned on meeting up and going to the drive in and I didn’t know where things would go from that night on so I decided to tell him that I was still a virgin a couple nights before. I had never done anything sexual with anyone so I was nervous about that in the first place. So we ended up going to the drive in and a little bit into the second movie things moved quick and we left. He was living with some of his friends at the time and we didn’t want anyone to know so we went to this open field that was close. I loved him and I had always wanted to lose my virginity to him but I never thought it would happen. We just fooled around a little bit and then I told him that I wanted to have sex. I was beyond happy because that is exactly what I wanted. He made me so happy and he was so gentle and caring about it. He dropped me back off to my car and we went our separate ways obviously. I had texted him a couple of times that night and he read them but never answered them. So I started thinking to myself OMG he hates me, it was awful for him, it was a let down…basically all this crazy stuff. After like three days I was really worried/kinda mad…so one night I ended up telling him that I had had feelings for him all along and why hadn’t he been answering me..he finally replied and said that it felt too weird to him because I was like a sister to him…….you cant even imagine how bad it hurt me when he said that. I lied and said it felt weird to me too because I didn’t want to lose him altogether. At this point I was beyond heartbroken and devastated. I had nobody to talk to because nobody could know about it. Then he stopped talking to me again and we didn’t talk for about two weeks. One day I went on facebook and saw that him and this girl were back together. My heart broke even more. Ill never forget breaking down alone in my car in some random parking lot. I felt so used and awful. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I kept everything to myself still until my mom finally said I know something is wrong. Luckily my mom and I are really close but its hard to tell your mom you had sex. So once I told her she got so mad and wanted to say something to both of them but I told her that it wasn’t even worth it because it wouldn’t change anything anyway. I hadn’t seen him since the night we had sex and one day he came into work and my heart broke all over again. I went into a panic attack and just cried so hard. Its been about four almost five months now and its still so hard to see him and her together. She asked me to be in their wedding and I had to say no. Theres no way I could handle that. Its bad enough that I have to go let alone be in it. Yes I have my mom to talk to but theres times where I just need someone my age to get it. We are working together again and some days are good and some days are bad and awkward and we don’t talk at all. Ive always said that no matter what I would never let a man have so much power over me but that’s exactly whats happening. I am not myself anymore and I hate it. I am miserable all the time. There is no reason that I should still love him but I do. I love him with my whole heart and I’m afraid I always will. HELP!!!

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